


My Unconventional Methods

by dashwood



Series: A Study in Unconventionality [1]
Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: 'John Mulaney Voice': and it gets worse, Hand Jobs, Humor, M/M, Smut, the medical equivalent of ‘aliens made them do it’, the premise is ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:41:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22585786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashwood/pseuds/dashwood
Summary: “Well, you see…” JD trailed off, suddenly unsure of himself. Just an hour ago, it had seemed like a brilliant idea. He had even forfeited a round of 'Find the Saltine' to rush to the newspaper stand next door, proudly declaring “Where’s the porn? It’s a matter of life and death. Trust me, I’m a doctor.”
Relationships: Perry Cox/John "JD" Dorian
Series: A Study in Unconventionality [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641394
Comments: 8
Kudos: 111





	My Unconventional Methods

“What the hell is _that_.”

JD frowned as he glanced down at the magazine lying spread-eagle across Dr. Cox’s lap. He had picked up the latest issue of _Play-boy_ magazine, thinking that one couldn’t really go wrong with women in lingerie (or less), but the put-out look on Dr. Cox’s face made him wonder if he should have chosen something more exotic instead.

It’s not as if there hadn’t been much choice either: Slutty cheerleaders, sexy teachers in high-heels, and even one particularly disturbing one called _Clown Boobies_ – the cover of which sported half-naked women with red sponge-noses and colorful tufts of hair. He hadn’t really pegged Dr. Cox for being into anything unusual (except maybe violence and humiliation, and anything else that Jordan had to offer) and he wasn’t as vocal about his sexual exploits as Dr. Kelso, so…

“Well?”

“Should I have gotten the one with clowns instead?”

“What?”

JD shook his head. 

“Dr. Cox, when you asked me to be your doctor-”

“Oh, no. No, no, no, stop right there. I did _not_ ask you to be my doctor, I can’t stress that enough. You were simply on-call when they brought me in, which means that I had as much of a say in the matter as you did when it came to picking a prom date. If the decision had been mine – well, Debra, I surely wouldn’t have picked _you_.

“No, really. I would have been jolly-happy with anyone else – absolutely anyone else: One of your incompetent interns, Dr. Kim, Nervous Guy, that doctor down in Oncology who was accused of eating one of his deceased patients – and not in the fun way – hell.” He huffed out a sarcastic laugh, his eyes sparkling manically. “I’d even choose Barbie over you, and that’s saying a lot considering that her neurotic jabber makes me want to off myself with a rusty kitchen knife.”

JD blinked.

“When you asked me to be your doctor,” he began again, ignoring the exasperated groan of protest sounding from the bed. “I swore to myself that I wouldn’t give you any cause to regret your decision. I’m not gonna let you down.”

“Oh, that’s just wonderful.”

“But so far your symptoms haven’t given us a lot to work with, what with fainting, blackouts and headaches being about the most common symptoms in the world. So I thought I could narrow it down by eliminating other things-“

Dr. Cox growled. “Get to the point.”

“Well, you see…” He trailed off, suddenly unsure of himself. Just an hour ago, it had seemed like a brilliant idea. He had even forfeited a rousing round of _Find the Saltine_ to rush to the newspaper stand next door, proudly declaring “Where’s the porn? It’s a matter of life and death. Trust me, I’m a doctor.”

But now that he actually had to put his plan into words – well, he felt rather deflated. As if the wind had been ripped from his sails.

“I thought… You know, it’d be a symptom that might not naturally come up – no, wait, that didn’t come out right. What I’m saying is-“

“Newbie, are you asking me if I’m having trouble getting an erection?”

JD shrugged.

“Ruling out erectile dysfunction would narrow it down quite a bit. We could eliminate about 30% of possible diagnoses.”

He kept his eyes resolutely on the floor. He could feel his skin prickling under Dr. Cox’s glare – no need to actually _look_ at it, too. There was probably enough force behind it to burn him alive. JD shuddered.

“Now, granted, I usually only half listen to you so I really cannot be sure, but please tell me that you didn’t somehow get this method from _me_.” Dr. Cox scowled, shaking his head in disbelief. “This had better not be your go-to procedure with patients.”

“I’m usually reserving it for hot chicks,” JD deadpanned. Dr. Cox didn’t laugh though, not even a twitch of his lips. His face remained closed-off, but JD noted that he was still staring at the magazine, his brow slightly furrowed as if deep in thought.

“Look, I’m sorry,” JD said eventually, unable to stew in the tense silence any longer. “It was a stupid idea, I just thought – nevermind, I’ll just run some random tests. If I get started on checking for diseases beginning with A now, I’ll probably be finished in a few weeks, and-“

He made to reach for the magazine but startled when Dr. Cox enveloped his wrist in a strong grip.

“You’ve got a point there, Newbie. An unbelievably stupid one, mind you, but a valid one nonetheless.” Dr. Cox paused and JD couldn’t shake the impression that the man was mulling carefully over his next words. “It’s just that lately… these haven’t really been working for me.”

“The non-clown ones?”

“What?”

“What?”

They stared at each other in silence. When the penny finally dropped, JD’s eyes widened in realization.

“Oh, you mean women.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” He said, nodding dumbly. “I - I could get one with guys in it?”

Dr. Cox snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure you’ve got a lot of those lying around at home.”

“I – no. I don’t, actually.” He protested, pretty sure that mentioning the hunky firemen calendar he kept under his mattress would undermine his point. 

The silence dragged on. JD felt strangely conscious of Dr. Cox’s hand wrapped around his wrist, warm and unyielding. He suppressed the urge to flex his fingers. 

So much for his grand masterplan of diagnosing Dr. Cox and showing him what an amazing doctor he had become – albeit one with unconventional methods. Like a real-life Dr. House. Without the limp though. 

Well, nothing to it now, JD supposed. He should probably go before he made matters worse.

“Maybe I could – I mean, if you wanted, I could…” He trailed off, but instead of getting up and heading for the door – which would have been the sane, _reasonable_ thing to do – his hand somehow found its way onto Dr. Cox’s thigh.

Oh God.

Had he just propositioned Dr. Cox? Dr. Cox – his year-long mentor, his role model, his _boss_? No, that couldn’t be. He had never considered – and even then Dr. Cox would probably be the last person on Earth – and surely he would have enough self-preservation to go for someone less life-threatening, someone who wouldn’t hesitate to break his windpipe and hand him over to the janitor.

It was probably a good thing that his eyes were glued to the hand still resting on Dr. Cox’s thigh because JD was sure that he wouldn’t be having it much longer. Dr. Cox would cut it off and keep it as a potpourri bowl in his home, a warning to other sexually-confused ex-interns with a death wish as big as the state of Texas. He only hoped that he'd get if over quickly–

“Okay.”

Wait, what?

JD’s eyes snapped up.

“Yeah?” The question came out slightly breathless and JD felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment. He couldn’t help it though! Couldn’t help the hesitant flutter of hope that swelled inside his chest. A delicate thing, tingling in anticipation.

Still, he studied Dr. Cox's face closely, waiting for something that'd make sense of this situation – a sign of regret or a change of heart. Or worse: something that would let him know that Dr. Cox was merely having him on. That this was nothing but a cruel prank. Like the one time Dr. Cox had offered him a hug, invited him out for a beer or suggested a fishing trip to his cabin in the woods – only to yank it right out of his grasping-at-straws, grateful hands.

JD cringed at the thought. He didn’t think that he could stomach it if Dr. Cox told him _no_ now.  
  
But much to his surprise, he didn't. Instead, Dr. Cox simply nodded. “Yeah.”

Swallowing hard, JD forced himself to remain calm. Okay, so. Dr. Cox had just allowed him to get to Third with him. No big deal. Just another Tuesday. Phh.

Hesitantly, JD reached out. He inwardly wondered when Dr. Cox would stop him, bat at his hand or punch him in the face and tell him what a colossal idiot he was being, _dear God, Mary-Ann, please tell me you didn't think I was actually being serious?_ But Dr. Cox remained eerily still, eyes locked onto his. Quietly awaiting JD’s next move.

He placed his hands on Dr. Cox’s thighs, rubbing up and down to sooth the trembling muscles before he moved on to gently cup him through the hospital grown – the thin fabric doing little to conceal the heat of his skin. He licked his bottom lip and heard Dr. Cox groan in response. 

“This alright?”

Dr. Cox glared at him. “Get to it, Lucy.”

“Right-o.”

He turned his attention back to his hands, sliding and caressing – mapping out the skin beneath his palms – when something occurred to him.

JD jumped up but stopped halfway in his tracks when he heard the frantic laugh coming from the bed. Dr. Cox’s eyes had a dangerous glint to them, making him look half-crazed.

“Newbie, I swear to God, if you leave me hanging now-”

“I was just going to close the door.”

“Oh,” Dr. Cox said, his brows furrowed. “Well, hurry. Chop, chop.”

JD quickly locked the door before returning to perch on the bed, his hip brushing against Dr. Cox’s thigh. He reached for the hem of Dr. Cox’s hospital gown, slowly dragging it up so he could finally close his hands around him, to feel him – skin on skin. He found him half-hard already, cock straining against his stomach, and the sight sent a shiver up his spine.

JD felt a rush of arousal as he wrapped his hand fully around Dr. Cox’s cock, marveling at the feel of him, hard and scorching hot. How he filled out in his hand further, how good he felt, and how much JD wanted to lean down and take him in his mouth. 

He gently moved his hand up and down his length, listening intently to the noises Dr. Cox made as answers to what he liked the most. A careful squeeze of his hand rewarded him with a sharp exhale, a twist of his wrist with a low moan. Brushing his thumb over the head of his cock resulted in a slight shudder, shoulders tensing and mouth falling open in a breathless _oh_.

JD paused. 

“Did you want me to stop?”

“Wha?” Dr. Cox furrowed his brow and threw him an irritated look. 

“It’s just that we pretty much ruled out erectile dysfunction as a symptom, and I didn’t want to assume-”

“Move your hand, Cassandra, or I’m going to take it away from you.”

JD frowned. “Move my hand away or...?”

“For fuck’s sake,” Dr. Cox growled, reaching down to cover JD’s hand with his own. He squeezed his hand before guiding it up and down his cock in fast, hard strokes.

Once JD had gotten a hang of the new rhythm, Dr. Cox pulled away and folded his arms behind his head as he leaned back against the headboard. JD watched his eyes flutter shut as his breathing became more labored.

He looked really _good_ , JD decided. Dazed and disheveled, relaxed and tightly-wound at the same time. The sight made his breath hitch and JD shifted, trying to ignore the discomfort of his own arousal. His cock ached, pressing painfully against his scrubs pants, and he bit down hard on the inside of his mouth.

He would really like to kiss Dr. Cox. No, scratch that. He _needed_ to kiss Dr. Cox. Needed to taste and mark and feel him. To know that this was real, that this wasn’t another fanciful daydream. That he wouldn’t wake up surrounded by a gaggle of interns mid-rounds, hard and aching.

It was just that… Well, he wasn’t sure if Dr. Cox would appreciate any of that. Maybe this was one of those situations where kissing was out of the question. Some kind of Pretty Woman thing.

“Is this some kind of Pretty Woman thing?”

“What?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Dr. Cox shot him a dark look, but JD was almost certain that it had nothing to do with his question. There was a crease between his brows as if concentrating on his words – instead of the feel of JD’s hand on his cock – took great effort.

“Oh what the hell,” Dr. Cox groaned eventually, his eyes once again falling shut. “Knock yourself out, Delilah.”

JD hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. He wasn’t completely sure that Dr. Cox wouldn’t head-butt him if he tried anything. Still, the temptation was too great and soon enough JD leaned in to close the distance between them. He needn’t have worried. Dr. Cox’s response was immediate, hands reaching up to frame JD’s face, thumbs brushing over his cheekbones. His touch was surprisingly gentle and JD felt his heart melt inside his chest.

“Have you been nicking candies from pediatrics again?” Dr. Cox asked when he pulled away.

JD shrugged, offering a sheepish smile. He wasn’t sure if he should be offended. It wasn’t the worst first-kiss feedback he had ever gotten, after all. Besides, it wasn’t like Dr. Cox had outright complained about the way he tasted. Or how his lips felt (thank you, mango body butter), or the way his breath had hitched when their lips had met for the first time, such a magical moment–

Dr. Cox whimpered and JD realized that his hand had slowed down, leisurely stroking instead of pumping. He gave him a gentle squeeze – a silent apology – before picking up speed again.

“Yeah, just like that,” Dr. Cox groaned. “Fuck, you must get a lot of practice.”

JD rolled his eyes. He’d let it slide this once, he decided. But only because he really liked the way Dr. Cox was looking at him, eyes slightly hooded, pupils blown wide. He was panting now, his whole body trembling, and JD knew that it wouldn’t take him much longer.

“JD, I’m-”

Suddenly, Dr. Cox tensed, pulsing in his hand and coming hard. JD couldn’t help but stare as he worked him through it, stroking his cock until he was completely spent. The sight of Dr. Cox – breathless and trembling, face twisted in pleasure – made his heart clench.

“You said my name. Just now before you-” JD marveled. “You said my name.”

“My mistake, Cheryl. I’ll make sure to get your name right next time.”

“Next time?” 

JD beamed, the smile not faltering even as Dr. Cox groaned in annoyance. Maybe it was just the afterglow, all those endorphins racing through his bloodstream, but Dr. Cox looked almost happy. 

“Don’t make me regret this,” Dr. Cox said, his voice gruff. “Oh, and for God's sake, don’t do this with other patients. Just because Sacred Heart is a one-star review dumpster fire most days, doesn't mean that it's one of those run-down brothels Bob-o frequents, and I could re-hea-lly do without the mental image of you in a skimpy nurse outfit.”

JD rolled his eyes. Still, he thought that he must have worn Dr. Cox out; there was hardly any ire behind his words.

He _did_ make a note to track down a costume store later though. Because while Dr. Cox may not be into clowns – thankfully! – JD hadn't missed the glint in his eyes when he had mentioned the nurse outfit. After all, he didn't want his favorite patient getting bored while they waited for his test results to come back.

**Author's Note:**

> The Clown Boobies magazine is a shout-out to Brooklyn Nine-Nine. 
> 
> This has been sitting around in my drafts for ages. I didn't really feel like finshing it up because a) it's ridiculous and b) I'm not really good at writing smut. So pointers and feedback are welcome - it keeps me motivated.


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